For many years post hospitalization, my mental chatter was muted: my vritis (thought and tendency whirlpools within our minds) were nonexistent. I missed it so, not knowing precisely, what I was missing. I knew something was mentally lacking, well to be frank, most of my skills & attributes were absent for the first handful of recovery years, though naming each 1, specifically, alluded me. My physical inabilities were & are (to a far lesser extent presently) visibly obvious. Initially, they were much more noticeable to others than I. They still are currently, I say knowingly, but FINALLY I have regained a fair amount of self-awareness.
I was able to identify the loss of my mental activity, specifically, after many years. Still, there’s no way, that I’m aware of, to intentionally rekindle mental dialog (perceptions, considerations, resulting ideas…). Initially, I wanted to reclaim it! I missed it so! But for the last few years, I have been able to appreciate the innate lesser mental activity alongside my disability. Unchosenly reclaiming a still mind, the aim of mindfulness and consequently, the mindfulness Sanctuary I attended the month before incurring my critical Traumatic Brain Injury, is a result. I now realize the gift inherent in automatically obtaining a still mind, as apposed to my former immense displeasure resulting from comparing my pre-TBI active mind to my post-TBI inactive one. I conjure that due to my brain’s further healing, it became active once again. Alike all else within this recovery, it’s taken ample time for my brain to find a sweet spot that I’d obtained previously, of being mentally active when implored to do so & relishing in emptiness, when not.
Often mindful humans (myself included) intend and work hard to rid our minds of mental dialog (overwhelmingly, vritis) which often result in mental chatter. This practice is exemplified by meditation. I used to employ practices of clearing my mind consistently. Now, finally, I’m reclaiming this practice as my mental prowess improves. I will say, that a benefit of this catastrophe is how simple it is to hone in on 1 thing.
To have an accessible calm mind, as well as the opposing mental chatter, feels to be a reclamation of options. Within my healing thus far, this loss of mental chatter & the resulting inability to choose, has felt to be a profound, widespread loss of flexibility. This was a formerly favored attribute of mine that is, once again, alongside all else, amidst reclamation.
I realize, in retrospect, when MOST of my realizations arise presently, that not forming the various thoughts, needed to compose mental chatter, was & is a primary tool of the mind to facilitate (by minimizing superfluous mental expenditure) healing.
Resultantly, a discounted (truly, unrealized) benefit of my absent mental dialog, is achieving the aim of meditation: clearing of the mind, which facilitates singular focus. This clean mental slate was delivered to me innately, by my inability to build thoughts of any grandeur and resultantly delve into/be distracted by them. I was freed from the inclination (or ability, truly) to become distracted.
For the first many years (6?) of recovery, I solely was able to focus on the present moment, to fulfill whatever action (examples of which, I’ve formerly articulated) I intended to complete. Even then, distraction proliferated within the first many years – less so with time & now (after 13.5 years of healing) I can focus on 1 thing for hours. Example: I’ve been composing this blog for 6 hours, sans routine deviation (discounting quickly preparing & eating lunch & welcoming a recently arriving friend). He is now sitting silently, awaiting my completion 💚. Yes, all (including composure) takes me far longer presently but IS steadily progressing!
As is illustrated above, delineating the timing of reclaiming any specific capability precisely, is impossible. Each capacity is simultaneously re-arising gradually, just as they came to be initially. Lifelong, recent longitudinal studies depict, reclamation of mental facilities for TBI survivors, who consistently use their brains, continues unendingly, alike all other humans.
The documented timing for the majority of survivors of moderate, severe & the few surviving critical TBI survivors who are capable, to accomplish this 1st phase of recovery, is 10 years. This 1st phase (which for me took 4-6 years to complete ((again attests my case worker))) is solely devoted to reclaiming fundamentals, upon which all other skills are built.
Mindfulness continues to assist me prolifically within this recovery, just as it did in my life previous to my incurrence of this critical Traumatic Brain Injury.