Further insight into my mental state directly proceeding my car accident, the crux of which was formerly relayed to me by a friend, Zoe, her telling substantiated the testament offered by another woman, whom I similarly befriended while at the Sanctuary, Alicia. She offered me, knowingly, as she personally witnessed this encounter, the origin of my fear of venemous spiders inhabiting my yurt & the trepidation I enacted resulting. I foresaw pain to my being transpiring. My fortuitous fear propelled the evacuation of my yurt the evening before incurring my critical Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Precisely, I chose to relocate to my friend Zoe’s cabin the night proceeding my accident, as I gutturally knew that hurt of mine was impending. I clearly, mistakenly, made an erroneous presumption as to the source from which this pain would arise.
Backstory which speaks to the confusion I held amidst my preliminary recovery:
I’m from Seattle & have chosen to remain existing in the coastal Pacific North West my entire life. This location has weather that suits my genealogy (Irish & Northern European) perfectly. I’ve solely traveled elsewhere, though a few of these visits lasted 1-3 months.
Creepy crawlies never have become appealing to me, but my fear of them subsided, once I became more learned. My dad, necessarily (spiders sneak up on you, scurry about uncontrollably & are gross!) has reminded me routinely of the truth he imparted when I was young: the gross majority of spiders in the Pacific North West offer wondrous natural pest-control and are of no harm to humans.
***Unique to my traumatic brain injury healing***
My blasé reaction to hearing of a spider inhabiting my yurt at the precipice (the 1st stage: decade) of healing, was due to solely considering spires that have inhabited my residences. I applied the absent fear that I associate with arachnids in the coastal Pacific North West, to my circumstance at the Sanctuary. Consequently, I was confused by my friends’ accounts UNTIL Alicia illuminated that the spider was, specifically, a tarantula.
My initial lacking remembrance of the Sanctuary’s location (eastern California, bordering Nevada) as well as misplacing the learning of other arachnid species that inhabit the rest of the world (my remembrance within my first stage of recovery, was solely from being a child ((3-9 years old))). Independent travel amidst early adulthood, from the years directly before inhabiting the Sanctuary, not to mention memories of the Sanctuary itself, were non-existent initially -> only in the last couple of years, have memories begun arising from the many years directly proceeding incurring my critical TBI. These memories are still mighty minute (flashes). A detail as slight as which arachnids exist within locations I’ve never inhabited for any extended period of time, I expect will not be retrieved. Re-education is needed!
I’m mighty careful to refrain from discounting my recovery and resultant memory reclamation, however. My recovery in total continues to supersede doctors’ expectations, in multiple veins. Only as many more years of my healing have taken place & resultantly, I’ve recovered further, has my awareness expanded to encompass more of the knowledge that I gained over the 27 years of life prior to incurring my critical TBI. Granted, there’s still a TON of my memories missing!
***
Alicia’s relayed memory:
Upon arrival at the mindfulness Sanctuary, when observing the yurt that I’d reside in amidst my foreseen month, turned 28 days of attendance, I encountered a tarantula! I didn’t respond as would be expected of me: practicality propelled by fear (silently & calmly ushering it out). Instead, I did nothing to oust the tarantula & instead sought out the other attendees of my cohort who were setting up their tents. “Come see the tarantula in my yurt!” I relayed excitedly. Alongside relaying this story to me, Alicia shared how surprised she and other attendees were that I responded with excitement & intrigue, inviting others to witness the surprise tarantula in my yurt!
My initial audacity (casually soliciting others’ viewing of the tarantula in my yurt) was executed to an extremity that I’d never before enacted. Resultantly, I was surprised to hear of this! Time alongside consistently exercising my brain (in large part, writing this blog) continue to be my predominant healing facilitators. Resultantly, further recollection reclamation of mine is now taking place!! As a result of Alicia’s sharing, I became aware of my uncommon brazenness at that time. To make sense of this, my mind flits back to the month I traveled with my French friend Yoann, directly proceeding my attendance of the Sanctuary.
As has been articulated by my parents & friends, I went road-tripping alongside said visiting French friend of mine, who is quite bold & at times thoughtlessly so. This reality is proven by the many scratches and dings upon my dad’s car which we borrowed to enact our road-trip 😕. I would never blame this solely on him – I was 1/2 off the road-trip! I’m endlessly sorry Tese. I assume, that Yoann offered to drive due to my prolific inexperience and resultant disease driving.
My excited acceptance of his offer, despite my awareness of his lack of experience driving, speaks to my norm within early adulthood: excitement overshadowing practicality. My knowledge of Yoann’s lack of experience driving, results from us meeting in Paris, where I stayed for 1 month and he lives. The vast majority of residents there don’t drive. My choice to ride with a largely inexperienced driver, depicts my aforementioned priorities at that time. During Yoann’s visit to Seattle, I was so thankful of his offer, as it enabled our road-trip & I therefore, gleefully accepted!
All of Yoann’s visit I honestly don’t remember. Neither his time spent in Seattle nor our road trip, as both took place directly prior to my attendance of the Sanctuary. I do know (as it’s only sensible) that our shared & resultantly routinely enacted values of freedom & independence coupled with his proclivity to act daringly, during the month we were on our road-trip, had taken up residence in my mind. You know how it goes: we, as humans, become more bold when supported by another, particularly through actions of theirs that emulate those we wish to take (like driving sans experience). Emulation is the grandest propellant for me (as is true for the majority of young humans). I’m now, after MANY years (with time comes further clarity) am confident that my choice to drive that fateful day was spurred by a continuance of the values we practiced in-tandem the month directly prior to my attendance of the Sanctuary.
That being said, finagling in order to achieve what I want, was true of me lifelong (up until I was 26, when I incurred my critical Traumatic Brain Injury). Admittedly, I assume that my practiced, ill-informed confidence came as a result of having made some mighty precarious choices formerly amidst early adulthood. These choices have nearly always resulted in me getting what I desired! Never has executing dubious endeavors been accompanied by substantial negative consequences. The only negative consequence that befell me formerly, was not in fact getting what I desired…and again, this reality transpired infrequently with the exception of this gargantuan, very nearly obliterating, one.
The truth that Yoann & I are two fun-loving individuals who at times, as the aforementioned example attests, value enjoyment over practicality, propelled any risky decisions we made amidst our road-trip. Again, I have no recollection of our roadtrip or the decisions made, but I know Yoann & me (Self awareness of my past person, has become particularly clear now). I, obviously, parlayed the propagated value system of ours, to driving that fateful day. Theoretically, that drive would’ve enabled my further attendance of the Sanctuary mindfulness retreat, while in actuality, I incurred my critical Traumatic Brain Injury as a result.
I didn’t previously understand, and I suppose I never will, why the fear of a tarantula inhabiting my yurt rose to consciousness the night before my accident and not sooner. I’d been inhabiting that yurt for 27 days previously, after-all. Hence my theory of foreshadow…
Putting together the 2 witness accounts of both Zoe & Alicia has facilitated my further understanding of said foreshadow. Still shrouded & expectedly forever will be, forecasts my neurologists’ knowing prediction: long-standing inaccessibility of the time directly proceeding (the day before) incurring my critical Traumatic Brain Injury.
My successful recovery isn’t without tremendous effort, but wondrous fortune has accompanied me within this recovery as well. Therefore, reliance upon information garnered through other survivors’ past experiences, is provenly now, unreliable.