For many, many, many years, I felt that memories of my pre-critical Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) life, had vanished entirely and that this would forever be the case. After-all, this is the case for many survivors, particularly of my severity. I simply had to accept this truth. Formerly, I felt that memories essentially made me who I am. Therefore, I’d taken on the new practice of reinventing myself, necessarily.
I’ll admit that I was initially extremely sad resulting from my lack of retained memories. I love my former self that I’d built over the 27 years proceeding my accident! I didn’t & don’t love everything about myself, of course, to be perfect would be inhuman. After 11.5 years of healing I’ve now regained a realistic-ish (we all have uniquely altered perceptions) view of myself as well as others, which has enabled my reinvention further.
I transferred my loss of memories & resulting sadness to the background of my mind & with time I have come to value the present opportunity at hand. My critical Traumatic Beain Injury is presenting me with a beautiful fresh beginning. I’m enabled to alter those things about myself, which I’d developed in my nearly 27 years pre-Traumatic Brain Injury, which no longer serve mei Long-time close friends of mine, whom I spoke with (yes, I’ve retained a couple-few! This is supremely unique for a critical TBI survivor) & my parents did noted the return of formerly held practices of mine ppe+TBI,, alongside major alterations, inevitably. Similar inclinations & values of mine, have now returned to me in large-part, after nearly12 years of recovery. This retention has inspired my former practices to resurface, though to such an extent that is new to my person . Not all of these altered actions are popular…
Sanctuary. W en do healthy humans have the opportunity to begin afresh from a clean slate, sans preconceived notions, inbuilt biases etc? Again, pre-TBI, routine practices were engrained. Now, I uniquely have the opportunity to choose an alternative route to reach the same end point. I can even, is so inclined, change my desired end point entirely, which reflects my present values, inclinations & priorities.
Very recently I hav in fact, begun retrieving memories from soon before incurring my TBI, which is new. Not directly prior (the month I spent at the mindfulness Sanctuary, commuting from which, I incurred my critical TBI) but of my time living in San Francisco, directly before my attendance of the Sanctuary. The memories aren’t elongated, but I can now remember (through visualization) both of my roommates, 1/2 way through time proceeding my attendance of the # for the the time I resided in SF, specidally the 6 months proceeding my attendance of the Sanctuary, the #9 bus I used to take to Delfina (my restaurant job: $ maker), a friend whom I made in the choir I joined in SF…& that’s only my present recollection!
Due to past memories arising of the time proceeding my TBI’s incurrence, after nearly 12 years of healing, hope of further memory retrieval has been inspired. Excitement & anticipation flourishes.