With time, my expression of vulnerability (aka enacting symptoms) has substantially lessened. Amidst my nearly 12 years of recovery thus far, I’ve been in the process of not only coming to accept my altered self, but also cradling the inherent vulnerability imbedded in healing from this injury turned disability. Vulnerability exists for me (much less so presently, compared to early-healing, but still) predominantly within recovery. Vulnerability is present for everyone, innately, wether we choose to accept it or not, as it’s part of being human!
Pre-injury, I worked hard to diminish my observable vulnerability as well as mask the bit that remained, as I already appear quite vulnerable: physically small (in every sense of the word). Diminishing my apparent vulnerability was a safety mechanism of mine! This was impossible for the first 5 – 7 years of recovery. My vulnerability was obvious, hence my difficulty accepting this disability. It made me feel like an easy target! because I was…
It’s CERTAINLY taken time to get used to my newly disabled self, but now I see the gift inherent in displaying my vulnerability: an opportunity for both I and the other I’m interacting with, to genuinely connect. Essentially, as I described in my previous post, others’ reactions to me sharing of my disability offers me deep insight into their character. I’m realizing, that I’ve obtained a new tool which elicits clarity. Certain individuals are made extremely uncomfortable – a disability of this grandeur, initiated by something (driving) that most do daily, if not multiple times a day, hits close to home. I place no fault for their resulting reactions! How the aforementioned people whom I interact with, handle this discomfort however, is where the truth of their person lies. As I’ve previously identified, some simply avoid discussing it (ignorance is bliss) while others have attempted to take advantage, mislead or take pity on me. Others reactions are very telling.
Amidst my first phase (10 years) I never intentionally drew attention to my symptoms – theoretically, stood up with a megaphone, calling people’s awareness, but they were visibly obvious. As a result of strangers’ tremendously unfavorable reactions, I felt shame. My reaction of seclusion was not a choice, but rather an automatic response. Seclusion and the shame which provoked it, were brand new sentiments of mine. My seclusion lay in tandem with my new found, particularly within my primary recovery, lack of energy. Thank goodness both my shame & lacking energy have now lessened substantially. I’m both relieved & energized – Im beginning to recognize myself again! Neither does the feeling of shame nor does the resulting seclusion serve me anymore nor is it typical of me.
1 & a 1/2 years ago, I finally began the process (all within this recovery takes tremendous time) of accepting my disability. This was about 10.5 years into recovery. This too was far sooner than my specialty caseworker, whom I worked with for years & therefore knows me well, relayed that this would take place for me. Experience with other survivors has instilled this awareness in her. Self-love has been a necessary catalyst for acceptance, overwhelmingly & undoubtedly, just as it has been for any & all of my grand endeavors of mine lifelong. Self love was promoted externally, necessarily, within my first 5-7 years of recovery. Resultantly, self love was imbedded internally once again. Few!
Self love has been a crucial aspect of my perseverance (working to reclaim my life!). In order to better my symptoms, I must accept them as they are presently. This, resultantly, enables further betterment. My dad’s knowing healing advisement: identify a change you’d like to make or capability you’d like to reclaim. This will the. allow you to obtain it! Now I own my disability in full & from this place, I can & will continue to progress.
I need now to strike a balance between not wishing to call attention to my disability at all & my deep desire presently to educate people in order that they may avoid this catastrophe. Due to knowing, they’re too enabled to assist the healing of survivors. I went from not sharing my truth at all, many years ago, to now readily & consistently sharing. This is unquestionably off putting for many. I encounter blatantly unappreciative (to put it kindly) responsive looks, which inform me of such…I always am intentional to share it jovially now, but this subject remains tremendously depressing as fuck!
Despite my efforts, my sharing is ingested as negativity. I understand why this is & yet, it’s extremely unfortunate, not to mention extremely bothersome! It’s not at all my intent to be a downer. Talk about misunderstood…
The negativity elicited by my account is associated with my person (she’s a downer) which is completely inaccurate. Not long ago within this recovery, this observance would’ve been right on. Presently though, I simply want to share my truth, as I always have. Promoting negativity is not intended! Regardless, people ingest my sharing as such. My truth (no matter how carefully I present it) is far less acceptable than my jovial life-experience was pre-TBI.
Hmmmm perhaps this is what getting used to being a disabled minority feels like…yep, I think it is.
This lack of acceptance no longer prevents divulgence of my present self, but it certainly does presently prohibit others from viewing my progress as it takes place. If we refuse to look at my present state, or that of anyone for that matter, how will we see when progress is made!? Others abstention from ingesting and truly accepting the reality that there is vastly more betterment within my recovery to come, is even more difficult for me to ingest. It’s not yet visible & this is confirmation that seeing, is in fact, believing. I would hope that the immense reclamation I’ve achieved thus far would speak to my future prospects, yet I’m not overwhelmingly finding this to be true. Not even mostly. Seldomly, in fact. My truth of continued progress is absolutely valid. I not only witness it, but my case worker too confirms. Her sharing is backed by studies and most pointedly, by personal experience of many Severe & critical TBI survivors.