This title undoubtedly sounds funny, but none the less, this statement is my truth.
I’ve lost uncountable personal abilities. The inability to cry, however, I have no control over & until addressing this with my psychiatrist, I had no understanding as to why I couldn’t cry. With every other disappeared ability > I knew that I had to work, work, work to make it better…
This working commitment, was repeatedly instilled & reaffirmed by my dad, necessarily so, as I had 0 motivation, neurologically, for the first 3 years. It eventually re-arose…very…gradually. Resultantly, Tese (my Dad) had to boss me ‘round (which is not his forte’) but I’m so greatful you did, Tese!
I’ve been robbed of so many capabilities, that to retrieve one, which I’d begun missing lately (in the past couple of years) felt wonderful. I’ve never cried often, even before incurring this injury, but not having cried at all amongst this horrendous recovery is PARTICULARLY unsettling. I had & have (less so now, but still) unexpressed sorrow.
My tears had been missing for at least 11 years and 20 days (my accident happened July 1, 2013) before they reappeared – at long last. This hole in my expression of loss/remorse/sadness left me feeling entirely shuttered, which is the WORST for me. Expression is essential to the core of who I am: job, socialite, recharge time (reading)… Given the immensity of what I have (and had in the past) to grapple with and the immense loss entangled, tears were & are more than justifiable!
But tears, I can’t summon. I’m no actress 😉
Henceforth, I had experienced absolutely no relief.
Until…
I cried!!!
I was walking along the other day & had negative phone calls with both of my parents. I called one after the other seeking advice and in response, both refused & were short with me. Henceforth, I began to cry. The initial remorse was exacerbated by all that was displeasing in my life – which u can gather, from my past posts, is a fair bit. Resulting from their disinterest in helping me, I felt even more alone than usual, which is a feat in and of itself presently!
Although emitting tears in the above instance, was only appropriate in-that I was already sorrowful, my reaction was otherwise, pretty excessive. BUT my overwhelming emotion, once tears began to arise, was the opposite of sorrow: excitement! Tears emerging deserved joyful celebration. Overwhelming my sorrow, was elation -> I was crying! (I probably looked pretty funny to passers by – a woman full on crying with a grin on her face)?!
My emotions are the same (they simply take longer to come to fruition) and they remain invisible to others. I fear that my inability to excrete tears, gives those close to me the impression that I don’t feel bad & am not remorseful/am not suffering, which is entirely incorrect.
Despite the loss of nearly all – MANY loved ones , my habitat, my jobs, walking, talking (those are only the big ones, there are sooooo many more). My previous statement of losing nearly all is NO exaggeration! None of this, inspired the shedding of even a solitary tear.
My specialized trauma & PTSD psychiatrist, who only works with the worst of the worst (TBI & cancer survivors, who very-nearly perished in the hospital), told me that this loss of the ability to cry, is actually quite common amongst her clients. So, although underlying sorrow existed (in reality my sadness was silly as I KNOW how much my parents LOVE me. This reality is unquestionable). But at that particular time, I was seeking reaffirmation of this truth + I wanted advice! There may have been some complaining on my end involved…
All in all – this crying experience was very beneficial! The sadness that resulted from aforementioned negative interactions, was in fact a blessing. It brought me much needed relief. Tears were so welcome, I missed that ability so!
Again, I’ve never been a big crier, but as a result of the culmination of all the displeasure I felt & FEEL tears were provoked & certainly deserved.