I’ve progressed from saying things that’re percieved to be rude, to offering, often misunderstood, facial expressions, entirely unintentionally. A step up? Less blatant? Truly, perhaps, just a sideways step…Facial expressions are understood by many (myself included, formerly) to convey what it is that a person truly believes, at their core.
The facial expressions I solicited in the very recent past as well as currently (to a far lesser degree) now (thank goodness!). As a result of the severe TBI I incurred, are uniquely, solely based on the immediate visual impression I get, at that precise moment. Again, my memory was retched & is slowly-bettering now, but is still faaar from perfect. There exists, at the moment of eacacting a facial expression, no consideration of a person’s character, which has always (and still does) predominantly influence my opinion of them and my desire to integrate them into my life.
Add in personal biases (that we all have & I’m no exception) and the reality that I exist sans the majority of my filters = my facial expressions are often interpreted as offensive. My initial reaction to others, based solely upon visuality, and is fleeting (as is extremely similar to many others). My facial expression doesn’t have time to adjust, when moments pass, and I am able to recall the quality of their character (which I consider and have always considered, far more telling, of the quality of a person)!
My facial expressions in reaction to individuals have been the most troublesome, as you can likely imagine. Facial expressions of mine, provoked solely by visual perception, with no deeper knowledge of their person being called to mind, are extremely lesser informed, at best. Who they are to me, what their life circumstances are…remain unconsidered. Resulting, at times, in expressions of mine being grandly mis-perceived by those I’m interacting with. At times, my expressions are perceived offensively despite that not being my intended thought or sentiment at all! If someone offered that face to me, sans an all-encompassing mental injury & the knowing I have now of the symptoms of such, I’d certainly take offense! So I can certainly relate. This doesn’t however, relieve the sting as well as the feeling of being misunderstood.
I, myself, was flabbergasted by this action of mine. Prior to my injury, I would never knowingly have offered any negativity (and resultantly never did!) to an innocent person, particularly not a friend (someone I hold in high regard).
Once I’ve offered an unfounded facial expression, what can be done? I apologize (but of course!) & then explain why. Symptoms, like this, are yet ANOTHER outcome of my severe TBI, that are widely misunderstood. My specialty psychiatrist has confirmed the truth of this symptom for al survivors and resultantly her regular experience of counseling clients through these mighty uncomfortable situations and the negative responses from those who see/hear of them.
Having extremely limited self-awareness doesn’t help my management of these expressions in the slightest. Late onset awareness of unfounded facial expressions (e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g progresses far more delayed for me now, including self-awareness) = tremendous difficulty making new friends in my new home. But again, as my psychiatrist continually encourages me to do (and I’m so thankful of it!): consider the positives. I have acquired golden, accepting friends in my new home, which will join my old friends, that’ve stuck with me (they know my spirit well & know this attribute is so opposite from my usual, sweet tempered, accepting self). The patient, accepting old friends of mine remain. This symptom will just continue to promote my acquisition & retention of awesome friends that continually accept my new-self as it evolves. It also promotes riding myself of those who don’t act in that vein, new & old.
This is a symptom which has existed for my entire recovery thus far. There was no awareness of it, for the first couple years as the people I was surrounded by, were solely family members and 2 friends, who visited briefly. My parents became very learned about my conditions (reading, inquiring with professionals & witnessing symptoms of mine, first hand). Now, however, I’ve become more extraverted, relocated & am meeting new people. It’s still a challenge but bettering all the time, as a result of my self-awareness aggrandizing, as well as locating more supportive individuals.
Great thing is, as I’ve said in past blogs, this only further thickens my naturally thick skin & calls to my side, more individuals that are glorious!