Until very recently, I was mourning my loss of internal motivation, which I attributed to being a result of my TBI. Now, 7 & 1/2 years since incurring my TBI, Ive begun to regain it. Considering that my fundamental (1st stage) healing was estimated to take 10 years by my doctors (both physical & mental), my recovery is considered superb & early. I find this interesting…to say the least.
I initially thought my lack of motivation was solely the result of my TBI, only to find proof that it’s been a consistent struggle of mine. I will say (to rightfully excuse myself in part:) that I’ve very rarely met an artist that didn’t have trouble finding motivation…
Proof of my aforementioned lack of motivation: I recently found this journal entry, that was clearly written before incurring my severe TBI (do to the legible handwriting). This note expressing the exact same trouble! Seeing this, was simply a snap back to the reality that my hardship of feeling unmotivated is nothing new…
Though I’m narrating this as if I’m in school, it is abstract. I believe, that in reality, this journal was written during the time that I was living in SanFrancisco. I had well completed all schooling.
It’s hard to be positive though, considering.
I noticed upon reclaiming all of my things, (my thoughtful SF roommates sent my things to me in Seattle, where I was staying with my parents, for the 1st 1.5 years of my recovery). I certainly have a tendency to start journals (not just a tendency, but in truth, a redundancy, considering that this was the case with every one I found!) sans completing them. I begin filling a journal, only to quickly become enchanted with the beauty of another I’d found and therefore begin writing in that one! It’s hardly surprising that journals greatly appeal to me, given my chosen occupation + the beauty of them is enrapturing! Nor is it at-all surprising to me that I have a hard time completing 1 in full (I’ve never, knowingly, claimed commitment to be a natural strong-suit of mine).
The above image is also proof of my lifelong struggle with spelling, which my mom had to assure the nurse in the hospital, who gave me a cognitive exam before discharging me, was nothing new.
Ah well, I’ve never been motivated to perfect the structural aspects of writing. I love ideas & the beauty of story construction. The technical points of writing, I’m much less motivated to practice.
Now, however, reclaiming to hand-write is necessary! I’m devoted, as it emotionally serves me greatly. I am confident that spell check & editors will always remain, however, so my consistent spelling difficulty will remain rubbish, (extremely questionable at best). Dedication to refurbishing my artistry, (and anything else, I find great pleasure in) will remain.
