I have been long awaiting an understanding of what this catastrophic car accident, which resulted in my severe brain injury, numerous broken bones, 3 broken ribs & removed spleen, has taught me. It’s only sensible, in my opinion, for there to be a lesson embedded in this all-encompassing & unchosen massive life-change, which has resulted in numerous profound hardships.
I’ve mentally played with many different possibilities, which include=
1. Do I think myself infallible (incapable of getting in a grand car accident?)
Answer = Certainly not. I’m (and always have been) well aware that I’m a lack-luster driver + it’d been many years since I’d driven (intentionally) as I was never fond of driving & well attuned to my lack of ability. When I did choose to drive in the past, I did so only to accomplish a specific goal.
No joy riding. Well not as a driver… I love to be a joyriding passenger (many of my high school friends can attest)! I adore day dreaming, Jamming to good tunes, intaking scenery…
Funny enough, my dad (who taught me to drive, when I was 15) shared with me, a few years ago, that his main concerns when teaching me, were how slowly I’d naturally chosen to drive (To enjoy the sights!) & how uncomfortable I was making quick alterations. When you’re driving at 30-60 MPH -> what decision isn’t made quickly by necessity!?
2. Do I consider myself unbreakable?
This question necessitated more consideration…after all, I’d never (pre accident & wow ->> that reality, has now changed exponentially) suffered a broken, or even a sprained bone. This, however, was do to me exercising ample caution (I’ve always been very averse to physical risk-taking). Refraining from taking risks was & is also facilitated by my lack of interest in danger. (I find no thrills in putting myself at risk, as I’m aware some do).
Hmmm
After mulling over numerous considerations, the answer finally came upon me, as a -> Duh!
Impatient desire superseding practicality
The yoga camp had made me fiercely aware of my desire to ditch my historical fascination with big cities (which was confirmed by a woman I befriended, Zoe, @ the yoga camp when I spoke with her, amidst my recovery. I wanted to experience much more peace & wellness (which was exemplified by the yoga camp ((The Sanctuary)) itself).
Not surprisingly (para mi), the Sanctuary accentuated my desire to move out of SanFrancisco. My impatience to do so, overtook practicality. I clearly was positive that I wanted an extreme life change.
To that end, I offered to run an errand for the Sanctuary, to a nearby facility, in order that I gain cell reception (the yoga camp didn’t have any – we were in a fairly uninhabited region in the NorCal hills) to articulate my desire to relocate to my parents & SF roommates.
Yep – I absolutely believe it. It’s a trend of mine: If I believe that my end-goal will serve me GRANDLY, taking a “little” risk to reach it, is acceptable. Aka: the end justifies the means. Unfortunately, I was blinded by my desire, and therefore enormously mis-judged the magnitude of the risk I was taking.
What I perceived to be a “little” risk, was, in reality, a very nearly deadly risk.
Obviously, dire repercussions of this risk came to pass.
A week spot which instigates my impatience, is extremely strong desire.
Whoops…
(There couldn’t be a grander understatement to describe my ridiculous decision to drive.)
But, I’m finally here (residing in a smaller city), having achieved the desired life-alteration that fueled my choice to drive.