the mystery of millie rose

Monday was brutal. I was on edge all day, wondering what the hell is going on with our one year old. She inverted a box of pasta, spilling rigatoni all over the kitchen floor. She broke two pairs of sunglasses. While I was helping Margot in the bathroom, Muriel snuck behind me and stuck her hand in the not-yet-flushed toilet. Our baby did not pitter patter around the house; she stomped and yelled dinosaur sounds all day. Muriel wanted to be held or she wanted to be on the move, or she wanted to be held and she wanted me to be on the move. She had big ideas and strong opinions and was getting into everything. I texted Matt around 4pm: “I don’t know what’s going on with Muriel today. She is an Agent of Chaos.”

That night after the girls went down, I poured myself a glass of wine and stayed up til 2am. I organized the front hall closet, finished writing a children’s song, and did some learning and reading on the internet. I even watched a few SNL sketches and a music video on YouTube. Take that, Universe! I am still a free woman with agency and two arms to use however I choose!

On Tuesday morning, I woke up to little Muriel cooing in her crib. I shuffled into her bedroom to greet the shining, smiling munchkin. Just look at those dimples. As soon as I picked her up, she pointed to the hallway with an enthusiastic “Eh! Eh! Eh!” demanding that we start exploring together. I shook my head laughing. Well here we go again.

As we stepped into the hallway, I had what I am going to call a profoundly intuitive and important epiphany. It occurred to me very suddenly and clearly: Muriel is a toddler now. She is not a baby anymore. She isn’t an annoying dinosaur or an agent of chaos. She is a toddler.

A profoundly intuitive and important epiphany, amirite?!

Tuesday went beautifully, and so did yesterday. Our sweet Millie Rose is an exuberant sponge and intrepid explorer. Having this toddler-awareness has changed everything, and is equipping me to meet our joyful, vocal, adventurous little connector with deep appreciation and curiosity. Knowledge, as they say, is power. Seeing my kid as she actually is—rather than projecting my own assumptions onto her about who she is and how she ought to act—unlocked in me a giant well of patience, compassion, and enthusiasm to join her in this new chapter. Just another reason to try and be present, observant, and non-judgmental on this parenting journey and in life. Just another reason to stay up late from time to time and give myself a mental reset and a brain- and body- break from the wonder-full, soul-nourishing, exhausting work that is mothering.

There is definitely a part of me that is grieving–our baby is not a baby anymore! But she is so damn cute. And so damn fun. And we are so damn lucky.